and it ends here

[why georgia - john mayer]
I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment
butI am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

i decided that i should mark the beginning of my doom (i.e. the common tests) with a post that has been long long long overdue. well, let's just say i'm really gonna do really badly for these common tests and i have no one to blame but myself for getting all self pitiful and escapist.

let's see, i'm going to actually fail history AND econs AND lit... and not to mention failing math for the 100th millionth time. I know i'm not supposed to admite defeat like that but really this is the least preparation i have done for any test EVER. so yup. i'm scoofed.

anyway, the one thing keeping me sane (besides world craft 3: DOTA! and TD! and of course the music) is the anticipation of hearing the new Christina Song that isn't exactly a single but it's some promo for this mercedes advert campaign. and it's titled 'hello'! and it's crazy crazy crazy cool! WOOHOO! and the instrumental version of the song is so promising. I can just imagine myself tmr going crazy... WOOHOO! i'm back to my crazy infatuation with her. YIPEE. so ya, any moment tmr, it will debut online and i'll spend the rest of the day listening to it, as opposed to studying for econs or lit.

the escapist in me never ceases to amaze me.

have i told you how much i love you?

right now i don't care wat's gonna happen between us cos i know we'll be a part of each other's lives for the rest of our lives. i love you so much that i fear i'll hurt you cos everything i touch seems cursed in some way and i don't want to ever see you hurt, not especially by me. whatever it is, i want you to know how very much i love you.

how things change in just a matter of hours. one phone call, one conversation, one moment... and it all seems worth it. all the tossing and turning, second guessing, unspoken words finally seem to make some sense to me. and i am thankful.

I don't care what others make of the situation or that they'll find out; don't care if this means losing what i have with others or if they'll ever understand; don't care if taking this step means opening a pandoras box of emotional turmoil, if just for this moment. This moment where nothing and nobody can judge me or take me down, because i know that at the end of the day, there's always you. you, the one who accepts me for who i am; you, the one who understands me and knows when i need that helping hand. I want to be able to do the same for you: be there for you, understand you, love you. you help me find that strength that i never knew i possessed and i can never ever be any less thankful.

i wanted to blog earlier but i just was at a loss for words. my mind was in a totaly mess. I thought i had it all figured out after lying in my hammock in belumut staring into the darkness of the so called jungle.

well i was wrong. why am i so affected by the small little things, then lose my mind and get all pissed with myself. it wasn't just about the expedition i guess. that did affect me, going for an expedition and not doing it with my batchmates for once. i'm not as angry or upset about it, perhaps because i understand the situation. but i guess it did affect me. yes, i had fun with the J1s... really did, doing stupid things on the van, hiking up belumut, cooking breakfast, going back on the van. but well, guess what nothing can replace doing all these stuff with ur batch mates. i did enjoy the company of the j1s. i really did. but it's different.

I don't know how to put this into words, perhaps because i don't feel as strongly as jamin, perhaps because i never gave thought to this. perhaps because i have lost that sense of idealism that i once had. you told me i was perhaps too much of an idealist, i think i told u, but u had forgotten what u said... well, the idealist in you has surfaced. just when i have lost it all. don't know whether i want to be hopeful anymore cos u're always hopeful to be disappointed. and i hate the disappointment. i've grown too cynical for my liking, but somehow things just seem so complicated that i feel compelled to be so. odac 19 has become mac (otherwise known as mugging activities club) and i really can't blame any of u guys cos i feel that i need to start mugging too. but guess what, i told myself screw this one weekend, and i did. and i dun feel in the least regretful. Shan't say anymore. really don't think i should dwell on this. at least i got to know the J1s better.

Unfortunately. That was NOT what i was upset bout. my mind's in one hell of a mess and i can't start to explain what it's going through. and i doubt u'll want to listen to it cos it'll all be jumbled random thoughts that permeate from my consciousness. i guess i should just lock myself up in a room and never let myself out. i really should. i get too affected by others. i think i'm worse than girls who have their periods synchronised. ok bad analogy but u get the idea. Don't think i should talk about anything else anymore. scoof it all.

Dammit. blogging has not been in anyway helpful. just proves to me how random my thoughts have become.

heard this just now at 7-11 when i went to buy coffee (actually supposed to be booze but well my cousin followed me so ya)... got reminded about how much i loved the song and how much it's applicable.

[nelly furtado - try]
All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and south and east and west of your life
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me

I want to see your face in every kind of light
In fields of dawn and forests of the night
And when you stand before the candles on a cake
Oh let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make

Through all of my life
Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life
That is all i will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you

Through all of my life
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall of my life
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you


what a truly beautiful song, sung by a truly beautiful and emotional voice.
on another note, got 1510 for sats... rather happy. a marked improvement definitely, expected... but well if only it were higher... but i guess i shouldn't complain. yup.

If fantasia doesn't win American Idol, i will just totally flip and resent diana for the rest of her life. haha. but seriously, fantasia really brings it every single week and her voice is just so full of depth, of soul, of life. her voice tells a story, something that diana has never succeeded in doing. i don't doubt that diana has the pipes, but there's more to singing then that one dimensional voice. i mean, britney spears sings with more emotion. [okay wat a low blow] hehe. yup u get the picture. so ya, fantasia all the way.

okay shall stop pimping for fantasia. shall move on to do some work now. need to do it! yeah!

i was blind
but oh how you could see
you saw the beauty in everything
everything and me

i should stop questioning myself. thanks everybody for ur thoughts on this... it was really appreciated... live for that one moment, you said, i see how that's devoured u, taken control of ur life, but somehow, i wish i had what u had, even if it was for that one split second. at least u'll have had it. so ya, no more over analysing for me. not at least for the moment.

btw, just learnt how to play sweet misery on the guitar. i am so proud of myself. i know it's out of point but wth.